Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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