he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
