Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
