I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Couch. On fire.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
