I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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