someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I wish there were birth control emojis
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
