So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
