I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
They are going to name an STD after you.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
