hotel room ftw
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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