You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
