I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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