Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
