I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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