1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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