wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
