how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
