I'm really into asian looking animals
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
