let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
