i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
