He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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