My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
