nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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