Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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