Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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