i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
