I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I need to stop coming to work sober
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
