You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
