can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
