Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
