a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
