By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
