She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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