we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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