My cat gives me a boner
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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