He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
