I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
