dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
