Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
