he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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