So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
