my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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