Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
