Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
