This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
