Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
