Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Go christen that room with your naked body.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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