thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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