awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
