im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
