What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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